SoManyThingz

It's after midnight Janet wearing a black velvet evening gown is sitting outside of her house with tears slowing falling from her eyes all she is seeing is the sky is of it's darkest color with a dim light of a crescent shaped moon  is falling on the ground, ice cold water can be felt from miles away as the sea comes on shore and goes back by watching it come back and fort Janet can't help but to fall back down her memory lane with a heart ache...

she remember just how she was abused just how every inch of her body just wanted to give up but still she survived, the moment when she nearly killed herself  and the time when she left  her only child abandoned at the doorstep of a stranger .....

The Night passes and the sun is rising yet she still hasn't gotten inside she can feel the fresh air brushing by her cheeks she just sits there frozen ..

  Alex comes from behind giving her a pat on the back she come front and settles down besides her saying with bright morning smile "Good Morning Ms. Davis.. I can bet a 100 you didn't sleep last night .."

Janet just now realizing it's morning comes to her senses ans says bewildered " huh?.. what?.."

Alex: it's 9am in the morning our meeting was supposed to started about an hour ago  i came to your house and rang the bell even knock but no one there just leaving i saw you sitting here so i came along i hope you don't mind i mean if you are busy i can leave ..

Janet: No sweetheart it's ok you don't have to leave stay just let me get my coffee.

Alex surprise to hear Janet call her sweet heart starts taking out a thermos and a disposable cup  from her back pack she says, " you can drink from mine if you want to?"

Janet smiles and says, " sure.. lets continued from where we left yesterday.."

After a few days i told my parents what happened but they didn't believe it they thought i was lying  while Janice said i was the one fooling around with boys while she told me not to . Nobody believed me so i sat quite ..

1 year later (June 1998)

I was found sleeping by a police officer  who himself seem quite old in Sternberg Park  i had a back pack with me and i looked as if i hadn't slept for days when the officer asked me where i was from, who i was and why i was sleeping here i was scared   to see him so close to me i  had nothing but to say that i had no where to go and my name is Janet .. Janet Davis .. he asked me how old i was ?.. i told him i was 17 and begged him to let me stay here and not to take me to the station but he took me any way, on the way to the station  i was afraid that he might take me some where else or do some thing like Victor but i didn't let him know that i was afraid, he then wrote all the details about me and asked the man behind the desk to check if there was a missing person report filed that matched with the description  he had given but there was none to be found it was middle of the night and his shift was almost over he looked at me and sighed then asked me if there was some one he could contact for me only one name came to my mind Jake but i didn't even know if his parents would let me stay if they knew what happened to me so i nod my head saying no. he then told me to get up and to come with him but i refused i didn't want him to hurt me as well he then sat down besides me and told me with a very polite tone Look Janet  i have  2 little daughters of my own at my home i won't do any harm but if you stay here all alone i don't know what would happen you are a pretty girl you should not be staying alone like this so come with me please.. i don't know how he knew i was scared but when i looked around the station and saw weird looking guys all staring at me i got up with me head down and said ok and went home with him. 

Lying motionless on the bed while the dim moonlight falls on her face a face which is full of guilt a guilt which she can't share to her writer but if she doesn't she just might die with it die with all the secrets  hidden under her chest .. as she starts to fall asleep her phone rang, scrabbling on her hand under the pillow she picks it up without checking the caller i.d from the other side there came a voice very familiar and very loud saying "she said yes!.. she said yes! Janet come on say something i am the happiest man on earth today! hello!! Janet are you there??  " while he said all those words all Janet could manage to say was " great congratulation Jake "  with tears falling from her eyes like a waterfall ,then Jake counted to tell her how he proposed Mandy and what she said but all the Janet could think was that she will die without ever telling him how she felt for him it was too late all those years she spend with Jake wasted as she could not ever tell him about the heart ache she had been feeling for so many years....

It was 8 a.m now Janet was drinking her morning coffee standing in her balcony  watching the sea waves falling in and out of the shore few joggers were passing by as well and the sun was shiny brightly up in the sky it was the moment  of piece for her as for tonight she had to go her best friend's  engagement  party to watch Jake be with some one  some one she knew she could never be.. Just when she was bubbling with thoughts there was a knock on the door Janet knew who that would be , so she opened it without even asking ,  was Alex as she opened the door Alex was yawning with a mouth wide open and froze as she saw Janet,   Alex then started to smile and scratching her head she say " Good Morning Ms Janet, May i come on in?" Janet looking with her puffy red eyes giving the expression  of sorrow went inside letting her pass .

Sitting down facing towards the balcony she says " sit down Alex , today i am not feeling so well so lets just keep it small about like an hour or so ? and by the way there some coffee int he kitchen if you want some"

Alex sitting the on the one man sofa and taking her laptop out of her backpack says, " No, thanks I'm good , so let's get started .. so we were at the part where Jake was going..?"

Janet yes we were..

" It was early December of 1996 when he was leaving he wasn't even gonna be there for Christmas , who will i spend my Christmas night ? who will i sing the Christmas choral with ? the night he left was cold as it was but with out him being around it felt much more cold hours i just sat at his empty door step, it as the time was passing every day i realized how much i actually loved him how he meant to me and how much time i had wasted thinking about Owen while my heart was always with Jake but it was too late ...

Days passed but i couldn't reach him i wrote him letters and letters but no reply ever came maybe i was sending to the wrong address or maybe after moving into the city he had forgotten about me...

It was 1997 June when all the senior were going to victor's parents pent house  in the city for a party. Victor was Janice boyfriend.. When Janice asked  our parents for the permission to go  they denied they said that she can' go alone boys these days are very bad they could get you pregnant and then just leave you in the dumpster ! after arguing  for days my parents agreed one term that i would go with Janice as well Janice agreed and for the first time she was nice to me and gave me a few new dresses of her to wear at the party it was gonna last a whole week end i was very happy that at last my sister remembers me .

Now that we were there  we checked in a motel in which i was to live alone while she stayed with her boy friend , later that day we arrived at the party she told me to get away some where but i told her that i didn't knew any one then she suggested that i go see Jake But i told her i don't know the city and i don't know Jake's address  on which Janice said i should go to the room upstairs and wait until she calls a cab so i could go back to the motel and rot there .. So I went upstairs and got in the first room open after a while Janice came in with her boy friend Victor  they both came in laughing but I could see that Victor was drunk while Janice was not coming in he points towards me and asks Janice that's your sister whose been a bad girl to you Janice nods  saying yes and then turns around and lock the door by now i knew something was wrong staying strong i asked why are you locking the door Janice whats going on? she didn't say anything  but smiled as victor close to me i told him to get away  but he wouldn't i said i would scream  but i knew with the music so loud no one could hear me he came close pushed me against the wall and slapped me hard threw me to the bed i started crying begging him to leave me alone but he kept on coming close as close as he could get i tried to hit him but my sister tied my hand to the bed i tried to scream but was of no use he kept on saying "shhh.. it will all be over soon i know you want it so stop screaming baby "  but he didn't stopped  i went unconscious, even when i woke up i was tied to bed .. 

the whole week end he came and did whatever he wanted to and left that week end was the end for me....."

wiping her tears with pain filled eyes she says, "So, Alex i think that will be enough for today huh ?"

 The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”  Lois Lowry, The griver
― 

Sleeping beneath the window as the dim light from the sun is sparkling over Janet, she then lies there dreaming with her eyes wide open   her pale white skin looked just as she has seen a ghost, she was thinking how will she tell her life story  or better yet what to tell and what not to tell the journalist .
her eyes looked weary like she doesn't sleep much , like something keeps her up at night.

finally the moment came when the journalist Alex came . Alex was a good girl with a lot of potential  to do amazing things which of course  reminded Janet of her younger self . Janet now just at the age of 35 thinks shes old enough to die.. but why? is it because of her illness of because of all the hardship and madness she's been through all her life?

She wanted Alex to have a wonderful career as one of the youngest  journalist who have been the voice of many Alex was only 19 years old and a student in  journalism at NYU . Alex asks " So Miss Janet how did you come so far in life? And why did you choose me to write about you,  I mean it's an honor to write your biography while no reporter in the world even gets two minutes of interview with you, but still m i lucky or is it because you and my mother are old friends?  "  with a grin on her face Janet replies " I thought you were a journalist not a detective.. " Alex now feeling a bit embarrassed  with little red cheeks says " I'm sorry ma'am i didn't meant to  sound like that but when you are a journalist you gotta have a little detective in you , you know"

Chapter 1

  my heart skipped a beat just as Jake showed me a shining little stone crusted in a sliver plated ring, suddenly all air had gotten out of my lungs and I could not breathe anymore I was feeling confused and exuberant at the same time just then it all went dark as we were passing through the subway tunnel and for the next few seconds all I could think was nothing absolutely nothing at all. Just as soon as we got out of the tunnel, he with a million dollar smile asks me, "how is it?"  I swear all I could say was "uh..uh..uumm" while making weird hand gestures  God ! was i weird or what , sniggering Jake asks, " come on Jane tell me how is it will Mandy like it or not?" a nuclear blast just happened in my heart on hearing that! but as calmly as i could i told Jake that, " it's amazing she will love it!" by now the train had stopped and i had reached my destination. So I got up in a hurry as it was almost time for the doors to close saying goodnight I left  getting out I think I heard him say that he'll call me when she says yes but whatever off course that bitch was gonna say yes! well, anyways I have a big day tomorrow. As I walked through the cold autumn breeze to my apartment all I could think about was the young aspiring journalist who was about to come in the morning to write a biography about my life .. By that though in mind i took a walk down the memory lane , remembering who I was how I was where I was everything altogether off course about which I haven't thought about lately..
But sure there was a time when all I used to did was think about the past.. I stopped thinking about it because all it  did was just haunt me...

"life is not as easy as it seems, sometimes unwillingly you have to let go."