SoManyThingz

Lying motionless on the bed while the dim moonlight falls on her face a face which is full of guilt a guilt which she can't share to her writer but if she doesn't she just might die with it die with all the secrets  hidden under her chest .. as she starts to fall asleep her phone rang, scrabbling on her hand under the pillow she picks it up without checking the caller i.d from the other side there came a voice very familiar and very loud saying "she said yes!.. she said yes! Janet come on say something i am the happiest man on earth today! hello!! Janet are you there??  " while he said all those words all Janet could manage to say was " great congratulation Jake "  with tears falling from her eyes like a waterfall ,then Jake counted to tell her how he proposed Mandy and what she said but all the Janet could think was that she will die without ever telling him how she felt for him it was too late all those years she spend with Jake wasted as she could not ever tell him about the heart ache she had been feeling for so many years....

It was 8 a.m now Janet was drinking her morning coffee standing in her balcony  watching the sea waves falling in and out of the shore few joggers were passing by as well and the sun was shiny brightly up in the sky it was the moment  of piece for her as for tonight she had to go her best friend's  engagement  party to watch Jake be with some one  some one she knew she could never be.. Just when she was bubbling with thoughts there was a knock on the door Janet knew who that would be , so she opened it without even asking ,  was Alex as she opened the door Alex was yawning with a mouth wide open and froze as she saw Janet,   Alex then started to smile and scratching her head she say " Good Morning Ms Janet, May i come on in?" Janet looking with her puffy red eyes giving the expression  of sorrow went inside letting her pass .

Sitting down facing towards the balcony she says " sit down Alex , today i am not feeling so well so lets just keep it small about like an hour or so ? and by the way there some coffee int he kitchen if you want some"

Alex sitting the on the one man sofa and taking her laptop out of her backpack says, " No, thanks I'm good , so let's get started .. so we were at the part where Jake was going..?"

Janet yes we were..

" It was early December of 1996 when he was leaving he wasn't even gonna be there for Christmas , who will i spend my Christmas night ? who will i sing the Christmas choral with ? the night he left was cold as it was but with out him being around it felt much more cold hours i just sat at his empty door step, it as the time was passing every day i realized how much i actually loved him how he meant to me and how much time i had wasted thinking about Owen while my heart was always with Jake but it was too late ...

Days passed but i couldn't reach him i wrote him letters and letters but no reply ever came maybe i was sending to the wrong address or maybe after moving into the city he had forgotten about me...

It was 1997 June when all the senior were going to victor's parents pent house  in the city for a party. Victor was Janice boyfriend.. When Janice asked  our parents for the permission to go  they denied they said that she can' go alone boys these days are very bad they could get you pregnant and then just leave you in the dumpster ! after arguing  for days my parents agreed one term that i would go with Janice as well Janice agreed and for the first time she was nice to me and gave me a few new dresses of her to wear at the party it was gonna last a whole week end i was very happy that at last my sister remembers me .

Now that we were there  we checked in a motel in which i was to live alone while she stayed with her boy friend , later that day we arrived at the party she told me to get away some where but i told her that i didn't knew any one then she suggested that i go see Jake But i told her i don't know the city and i don't know Jake's address  on which Janice said i should go to the room upstairs and wait until she calls a cab so i could go back to the motel and rot there .. So I went upstairs and got in the first room open after a while Janice came in with her boy friend Victor  they both came in laughing but I could see that Victor was drunk while Janice was not coming in he points towards me and asks Janice that's your sister whose been a bad girl to you Janice nods  saying yes and then turns around and lock the door by now i knew something was wrong staying strong i asked why are you locking the door Janice whats going on? she didn't say anything  but smiled as victor close to me i told him to get away  but he wouldn't i said i would scream  but i knew with the music so loud no one could hear me he came close pushed me against the wall and slapped me hard threw me to the bed i started crying begging him to leave me alone but he kept on coming close as close as he could get i tried to hit him but my sister tied my hand to the bed i tried to scream but was of no use he kept on saying "shhh.. it will all be over soon i know you want it so stop screaming baby "  but he didn't stopped  i went unconscious, even when i woke up i was tied to bed .. 

the whole week end he came and did whatever he wanted to and left that week end was the end for me....."

wiping her tears with pain filled eyes she says, "So, Alex i think that will be enough for today huh ?"

 The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”  Lois Lowry, The griver
― 

Today's recipe is related to left over steak , hey we all get left over steaks once in a while don't we  whether we have a party at home or just dinner our kids leave it or we just leave it our self  either way it's left and when we try to eat it the other day it mostly gets dry and all so there how to make a whole new dish. 

Sleeping beneath the window as the dim light from the sun is sparkling over Janet, she then lies there dreaming with her eyes wide open   her pale white skin looked just as she has seen a ghost, she was thinking how will she tell her life story  or better yet what to tell and what not to tell the journalist .
her eyes looked weary like she doesn't sleep much , like something keeps her up at night.

finally the moment came when the journalist Alex came . Alex was a good girl with a lot of potential  to do amazing things which of course  reminded Janet of her younger self . Janet now just at the age of 35 thinks shes old enough to die.. but why? is it because of her illness of because of all the hardship and madness she's been through all her life?

She wanted Alex to have a wonderful career as one of the youngest  journalist who have been the voice of many Alex was only 19 years old and a student in  journalism at NYU . Alex asks " So Miss Janet how did you come so far in life? And why did you choose me to write about you,  I mean it's an honor to write your biography while no reporter in the world even gets two minutes of interview with you, but still m i lucky or is it because you and my mother are old friends?  "  with a grin on her face Janet replies " I thought you were a journalist not a detective.. " Alex now feeling a bit embarrassed  with little red cheeks says " I'm sorry ma'am i didn't meant to  sound like that but when you are a journalist you gotta have a little detective in you , you know"